Holes in the Dam

There are many times in my life that I have lost my way. This is true even in my life of recovery. But today, I know what to do. God has given me a network of friends who know and love me. They know me because I have told them the truth about myself. They have listened to me unload my regrets from the past and they have walked with me as I’ve tried to make things right with those I have harmed. They have shown me ways to hear God speak so that I can hear his voice and follow his will in my life. These are people who have birthed me into the new life I live today.

There were many dark days in my growing up, and for me, my growing up days lasted well into my 50’s. It wasn’t until that decade that I was able to reach out to others for help. Such a simple solution to my problems! There is a saying: “You are only as sick as your secrets.” Well, let me tell you, I was a pretty sick lady! I was like a dam full of holes and I didn’t have enough fingers to stop the leaking. All I needed to do was talk to an engineer, but I was too ashamed.

Where that shame came from, I don’t know. Why I had to be perfect, I do not know. I realized later that no one is perfect and more importantly, that the whole idea of perfection is an idea of some Greek addict who had far too much time on his hands. His perfection was actually his greatest character defect. And this was true of me, too.

My dam has sprung a few leaks lately. I don’t have enough fingers to stop the leakage, so I am doing what I’ve learned to do – turning to those I trust. They all have fingers. And while we are all standing there with our fingers in the dam, there is an Engineer working on mending those weak spots. It is all good. The sun is about to rise. The workers are smiling.

7 thoughts on “Holes in the Dam”

  1. This analogy was insightful and timely for me. I, too, am full of holes and leaking. When I needed my friends the most, those whose friendships I cultivated for 30 years, they were standing next to me with sledgehammers of judgment. They made bigger holes and condemned me in my brokenness. It has been hard to find people to help me, not because they aren’t there, but because I am struggling with trusting people. I have said my goodbyes to my “friends” and I pray for godly people to walk along side me.

    1. The friends I speak of are not judgmental. They themselves have been broken and leaking. I have been there for them as well. I pray that you will find such friends.

      1. Janet: I too am full of holes and leaking. I don’t claim to be perfect at all, but I too was “left” by my best friend when I need her the most while going through cancer surgery and treatment. I still want to cry when I think of that time. I too now have a very hard time trusting so am going slow with friendships. Hang in there, there are others out there who will understand.

  2. I appreciate your pure honesty. Got me thinking how small we really are in this vast world and how we have to go “where the love is” which is within the friends we so cherish. Sometimes honesty brings pain. I am like you in that regards. (Must be in our blood) Peace to you cousin.

  3. Sorry you are having struggles, my friend. You are one of the wisest (and most honest) women I know!

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