Falling Out of Grace

Getting ready for my Spirituality Book Club meeting tonight, I page through the book to be discussed noting the passages I underlined and my notes at the end of each chapter. I finished reading Falling Into Grace by Adyashanti over a week ago. I found Adyashanti an amazing writer, not because of any unique style, but because he is able to take something so deep and bring it to the surface where it can somewhat understood. The book is about moving from ego mind to spirit mind. Reading my notes, I can see that just a week ago I was in a very good place. Inspired by Adyashanti’s words, I was able to step back from the urge to control things and “Let Go and Let God”. I was able to just be who I am in this shell that walks the earth. I was able to live in the moment.

Well, that was a week ago. In reading this morning, I realized that the sense of presence and surrender slipped away as quickly as it came. Traumatic circumstances around me in the days since swept serenity away like the broom of the Wicked Witch of the West. My desire to make life different was strong, so strong that it made me angry at God. When I get really angry at God, I sometimes just go to the place of the atheist because the God I love doesn’t seem so lovable any more. It feels better to deny there is a God than believe in a God who doesn’t give a rip about the suffering of children.

This morning, getting ready for the meeting and having to refresh my mind about the grace about which Adyashanti  writes, I feel that grace once again. It isn’t that God has given me the answers about why shit happens, but I am able to let go of needing to have the answers. Anything I could muster up in my head about why bad things happen to good people is just a figment of my imagination, anyway. I make things up to make me feel better. I don’t really know anything about the workings of the divine.

I am struck by the whispy nature of living in the spirit. I realize how tentative consciousness is. The lesson is that I need to spend time each day reading the wise words of people like Adyashanti, reconnecting with this truth that has no words. When I feel myself forgetting who I am, I need to call a friend who knows how to live in the spirit and can pull me back to where I belong. I need to remember how easy it is to fall out of grace.

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