Changing my view of Jesus – 1997

After a conference that I attended, August 19, 1997, “Who do you say that I am?” I wrote the following in my journal:

The rest of the conference fell flat for me yesterday. I don’t know why the speaker was so likable, but his talks seemed unfocused. Or was I unfocused? Or he wasn’t offering me any challenges. I wanted to come away with a grand new thought, a new directive, an inner banner to carry. As a result I felt a loss, a loss of a good day’s work, a loss of energy. I felt vague – what is it that I am supposed to be communicating to those I serve? Where is Jesus in all this?

I realize, I think, that I have a different relationship with Jesus than all the options the speaker proposed the first night. Jesus said, “I am the way to the Father”. I know this is true for me. For twenty plus years I prayed to Jesus, studied Jesus, worshiped Jesus, walked with Jesus, held him in my heart. Then something changed – like I was in a bubble and it suddenly broke and I was left seeing too  much. My world opened up. Then I seemed to wander for a while. The reality of God lost its concreteness – Jesus is concrete. He has a form, a character, a personality revealed in scripture. Now the God image was no image. Hardly even a feeling. Any time I tried to give image to God, my efforts fizzled. I’d wear out trying. Praying words became strange – like talking to myself. God is so within me; he knows every nook and cranny of me, even my thoughts. Why word it?

Yet I still do, especially to pray for those persons and circumstances outside my family. But I do that for me. When I give word to it, I convince me that I care and can tell those folks out there “I am praying for you.” But I have this sense that God is already there loving them so what is it I am praying about? I am praying for God to be God – as though He forgets sometimes, as though He gets distracted and my prayers get him back on track. How strange that seems. “Lord, look at Laura…don’t forget her, she needs your healing.” But God loves her a million times more than I do and I need to remind him? Rather, God needs to remind me to love Laura.

So there I go – here I am. Prayer has become a reverse conversation. I no longer  – or rarely – feel I have anything to say to God. Rather, I feel a need to stop long enough for God to speak to me. Who is it he wants to pull into my attention? Who should I be loving more?

So where did Jesus go? He carried me to the Father. The Father, the Creator, tender keeper of the world. And here I am. Do I still need Jesus? I don’t pray to him any more. But sometimes he reminds me of the expectations of the Father revealed in Jesus’ life: “Remember the poor.” “Stop and listen to the spiritually hungry.” “Give generously.” “Tend the soil to receive the seed.” “Take time to pray.” “Take time for relationships.” The messages keep coming through the Word. But I don’t feel Jesus as I once did. Rather, the kingdom dream is what I feel his life stories show me how the kingdom comes.

As for the Holy Spirit – the wind – every time someone says to me, “You are so enthusiastic,” I think, “must be the Holy Spirit.” That God in  me that moves and acts that I hardly am aware. God giving me the courage to do things I don’t want to do. Keeping one moving forward. Driving me, like a windmill. Pulling energy from somewhere.

I don’t know the Holy Spirit. I just look at what I am doing and think, “How did I get myself here?” What I think and what I do often seems at odds with one another. I don’t want to go to work – I’d rather refinish furniture. But I go and when good things happen there, I wonder, “How did this happen? With an attitude like mine, it must be the Holy Spirit.”


4 thoughts on “Changing my view of Jesus – 1997”

  1. Explained to me this way. Makes perfect sense.

    God is spirit. Spirit was begotten from spirit. Jesus is the same material as his Father. He is the expressed image of the Father. God is not of flesh and bone.

    Is Jesus God?

    Most today will say yes Jesus is God, but never truly come to the fullness of why he is God. The Father gave his Son life unto himself. John 5:26 Jesus was begotten of the Father, spirit born from spirit. There existed Jesus who was, is spirit and God who is the Holy Spirit. The Father not capable of death or association with sin begat his Son in order to accomplish his plan of salvation. God who cannot die or be associated with sin begat his expressed image, his Son in order to give his life that we may live. Scripture teaches us that all things were and are done through the Son. God by giving his Son his Holy Spirit without measure made the Son one with himself. The Father, Son and Holy Spirit joined as one through the ministry of the Holy Spirit.

    When was Jesus begotten of the Father? Was it when he came to earth, born the son of man or was he begotten before coming to earth?

    I stated earlier that God is spirit and he begot his Son spirit. In Hebrews 1 we learn that Jesus is the expressed image of the Father. In other words, he is like the carbon copy of God, just not made of carbon, being made of spirit. Jesus was born of the Father in the beginning. John 1. He was the first born of all creatures. Col. 1 He was the firstborn from the dead. Col. 1

    In order for a word to exist, it must be spoken. A word is the actual work of thought spoken into existence. In scripture, we learn to discern a man if of God or not of God, it is determined by his works. While the works may be physical in nature, in actuality, it is spoken words. We are spoken words, our very existence. So Jesus was begotten of the Father, born of God, born his expressed image when God first spoke in the beginning of creation. Jesus is God’s work of grace. Jesus was born of God before all of creation and all of creation was by the will of the Father through his only begotten Son through the ministry of the Holy Spirit.

    It blesses me to think that even before man fell, God in his infinite wisdom had his plan of salvation already in place.
    So how can Jesus die being God?

    When Jesus was on the cross, the Father who is the Holy Spirit moved from the Son, severing spiritual connection with that of the Father, evidence of Jesus saying, “Father, why hast thou forsaken me.” God had to do it this way to carry out his plan of salvation. For had God not moved from his Son, Jesus would not have died and could not have taken upon himself the sins of the world. So at that moment, Jesus existed as man, fully man, a man who suffered spiritual death. Does that mean Jesus was no longer God? No. For Jesus who was given the Holy Spirit without measure was still God through the ministry of the Holy Spirit, but also was fully man while on earth. The Father had to do it this way because he himself cannot die or be associated with sin, yet through his Son he did just that.

    Will Jesus always be God?

    According to 1 Corinthians 15, when Jesus delivers up the Kingdom unto the Father, he will relinquish is authority of the Godhead, becoming subject unto the Father, for there can be only one God. Many try to interpret this scripture in ways to change it’s meaning, mainly those who subscribe to the trinity doctrine, but they add and take away from it in order to fit their dogma.

    Jesus is forever our King, our eternal High Priest. And until he offers up the Kingdom unto the Father, he is my Lord, my God.

    15: 24Then cometh the end, when he shall have delivered up the kingdom to God, even the Father; when he shall have put down all rule and all authority and power. 25For he must reign, till he hath put all enemies under his feet. 26The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death. 27For he hath put all things under his feet. But when he saith, all things are put under him, it is manifest that he is excepted, which did put all things under him. 28And when all things shall be subdued unto him, then shall the Son also himself be subject unto him that put all things under him, that God may be all in all.

    1. Holy Cow! What makes perfect sense to you boggles my brain. I think of a word Abraham Heschel used to us: ineffable. It means, beyond words. I think the gospel/letter writers were trying to use words to share something with the followers that is beyond words. We have to know this as we read the scriptures. I don’t ask what they were saying, but rather, what spiritual reality are they trying desperately to get across. History will show you that they didn’t always succeed.

      I wrote the above in my journal in 1997, over 20 years ago. I was just moving out of church work which was starting to cause a conflict for me. I needed to see the human Jesus if I were going to relate to him. So I continued on that path and Jesus has become amazing to me. Have you read my book? It is the culmination of my journey in this relationship to Jesus. I am not sure what you see when you come to my blog, but now it has a cover page that starts with an explanation about the book. Let me know if you would like one. They cost $16.95. I am starting sell them for $10 but I have even given copies to people who I know will actually read and enjoy it. The thing with you is the cost of mailing. Let me know.

  2. When I am in a spot like that I stop whatever it is I’m doing and just simply say the “Our Father “. Sometimes it’s 10 times a day.
    I feel he is within me, holding my hand along the way, always.
    Hugs, Cousin

    1. When Jesus spoke the Lord’s Prayer he was responding to a question: “How do we pray? Teach us.” Jesus, I think was inviting his followers into the same kind of relationship with God that he had…intimate like that of a father and child. I too, pray to the Father, my Creator. Jesus is the Way I came to this place of intimacy.
      Thanks for your comment, Nancy.

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